By Kelly Hockenberry, Columnist, The Times
I am writing this article from seat 32E on Frontier Airlines. I’m on my way to Florida (sandwiched in between my two sisters) to surprise our mother for her birthday.
FYI, we are not flying first class.
I know this because I can see the cockpit door from where I’m located, midway on the aircraft.
Frontier is a no nonsense operation. They are here to transport you to your destination without any bells or whistles. However, in an attempt (I suppose) to portray a touch of whimsy, they name the planes in their fleet by different animals. Bizarre and baffling.
We are flying “Courtney Cougar.”
The irony is not lost to a trio of women in their 40’s.
To add insult to injury, I am sort of a scaredy cat (HAHAHA!) when it comes to flying; so, having a cartoon mascot painted on the wing has my anxiety level at an all time high.
Before you suggest that I partake in an adult beverage, let me stop you. I am queasy enough when I fly and, unless you want to lend me your barf bag, I am better off sticking with a water.
Surveying those around me, I have no earthly idea how a person is supposed to fit comfortably in these seats. Juice cleansing for a few weeks prior to departure, perhaps? It’s obvious that the higher ups at Frontier are more concerned with how many bodies they can pack on and NOT how enjoyable the experience can be. If the stats are true and half of Americans are clinically obese, it’s a wonder there hasn’t been a revolt as dramatic as the #MeToo movement for roomier accommodations.
You aren’t packing on the pounds sitting captive on this plane, that I can assure you. There are no complimentary peanuts or pretzels. No Dixie cup of Coke (unless you whip out your credit card). ZERO FRILLS. I guess that’s why people look like they are wearing their pajamas when they fly. Sadly, jet-setting is a thing of the past. This is more like a bus pass in the sky. Our carry on bags cost $45 a piece. (Our $200 round trip ticket to the Sunshine State is starting to make more sense.)
END RANT!
Whew. That was a lot. Thanks for letting me vent. It really did help to pass the time.
And, at the end of this 2 hours and 52 minutes we will have the BEST time, which makes it all worthwhile.
What can I write about on the way home? Hmmmm. I’m open to suggestions!
Happy Weekend (and Happy Birthday Mom!)
Thanks for your comment, Vidya!
That was hilarious, Kelly. Now if I’d had your article to read on board, it would have certainly improved my flying experience! The sorry flight magazines always focus on sun-kissed beaches and $200/head 7-course meals, not my reality.
When I was a kid, I lived in a small enough town that our car could pull up to the plane. We disembarked and got right into our car on the runway and went home. No security check – everyone knew everyone. To go back to those days, or even to the halcyon days pre-9/11!
Thanks for this. And I hope you had a lovely time with your mom on her birthday!